Emotions are tricky. We have them all the time, a wide variety, often shifting quickly, other times settled and static. Our daily existence gives rise to everything from love to anger to fear to graciousness to relief to …, well, a long list. At any moment if you simply look inside you can identify at least one and perhaps several emotions within. These emotions are quite useful, or at least were in our developmental past. However, they all can get in the way some of the time.
This week I would like to discuss two emotions in particular that get in the way for the vast majority of people far more often than they should. They are the emotions we attach to possession: envy and jealousy.
Quite simply, envy is wanting something we don’t have. It can be an object, a concept, a social or political status, a relationship, wealth; anything really. If you observe someone having something that you don’t have, and you find yourself longing for it, you are experiencing envy.
Jealousy is the thought of losing something you value to someone else. It is most commonly associated with relationships, especially around sexual fidelity, but it just as readily applies to physical objects, a concept, status, a relationship, wealth; the same list as above.
Both of these emotions evolved for good reason. In a hunter-gatherer environment, acquiring resources and holding them from others leads to a stronger long-term likelihood of survival. These emotions drive us to build our resource inventory. The downside, however, is that these emotions lead us to take that which is not ours or horde that which we have enough of. At some point, we have enough resources for our purposes, and our energy is better spent doing something with those resources rather than trying to gather more or protect what we have.
Within relationships, especially, these emotions run rampant. I know a lot of people who wish they had the perfect mate and continually feel envy of the relationships they see of others. Jealousy is even more noticable: a married man or woman talking to or befriending a member of the opposite sex is quickly seen as cause for alarm. Whatever the cause, envy and jealousy quickly spiral into very strong motivating forces, leading people to make harmful and dangerous choices.
But what is it that makes these so acceptable? Why do we encourage these emotions as a society? Why do we reinforce or cater to them within ourselves?
I believe these emotions are useful only in the first few seconds they are felt. Every emotion is valid when it is first experienced, there is no such thing as an inappropriate emotion. There is such a thing as losing emotional control. And these emotions, envy and jealousy, are very easy to get trapped in.
What is something you’ve felt envious of recently? That first sensation of envy is a great thing: it is a message from your subconscious that there is something missing in your life (though it might not be the thing you were envious of). Envy can, if you let it, help you understand your wants and needs more clearly. It can assist you in prioritizing your efforts and decisions. Feel it, receive the message it brings. And then release it.
Feel jealous? About what? Again, that first sensation from your subconscious tells you that you need to redirect your attention for the moment. It can help you understand what is important to you, what you fear losing, what you value enough to protect. Feel it, receive the message it brings. And then release it.
When you feel envy or jealousy, you have an opportunity to dig under the surface and gain great insight into you, into the world. By paying attention to the source of these feelings, you take on the role of conscious observer, where you can find deeper meaning and truth in your life. Each of these will tell you what your fears are, what your values are.
What is it you want from someone else? The car they drive? This is only the start. Ask yourself, ‘What do I really want?’ and ‘If I had this, what would that give me?’. You will often find that it isn’t the car that you want, but rather the way people look at you when you drive it. What else can you do to get that response? Better yet, why do you feel the need to be looked at in the first place? These questions are far more valuable than having the car will ever be.
What are you afraid of losing to someone else? The love of another? But love must be given freely, not expected or demanded. Jealousy in a relationship is often a signal to you that you don’t trust the other person. So the real question, then, becomes ‘Why is it that I don’t trust this person?’ Meditate on that for a while and you’ll learn far more than you will from calling them every couple hours to check up on them.
So long as you utilize these emotions, observe them, hear the messages they carry, they are valueable. When you dwell in them, feed them, or otherwise strengthen them, you take away their usefulness and live from reaction, from unconscious response. They transition from being useful to being useless, and quickly they become destructive to you and the people around you.
Use them to your advantage, then let go of them.
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From the editor
It’s been a while since I’ve asked anyone to tell me what they would like to read about, and it’s been a while since I’ve heard any new suggestions.
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Healthy thoughts,
Jeff
