I Shouldn’t Have Done That

October 1st, 2007 12:00 pm

Last week I discussed jealousy and envy, and how examining our desires can give us insight into our fears and dreams. This week, I’d like to look at another emotion that causes problems for many people: guilt.

Guilt, like the emotions of last week, is telling us something. But what?

Most people would say that if you feel guilty, it means you did something wrong. But what does that mean? Wrong by what standard? In the eyes of whom?

Your first response is probably to say ‘wrong by public standards’, but is this really true? Have you ever felt guilty for speeding, even though everybody does it? The public standard is that it is acceptable, even though it is technically illegal. No, public standards have little to do with guilt, though there may be correlations between the two in some cases.

What guilt is really telling you is that you have committed an act that is in violation of one or more of your own values. This begs the question, ‘what are my values?’. Most people don’t know the answer to that question.

Let’s look at speeding again. You feel guilty because you’re in a rush and trying to get somewhere quickly. At the same time, you feel guilty because someone is waiting for you at your destination. You are breaking the law, which violates one value, and at the same time you are keeping someone waiting past an agreed meeting time, which violates another value. Each of these adds to the guilt felt.

Any time you feel guilt, you have given yourself a window into your values and beliefs. You may claim to be honest, but if you lie to someone without feeling guilty, you don’t truly value honesty as strongly as you thought. You may claim to have self control over food, but if you wolf down sugary dessert even when you are full, then you don’t really value food discipline. You may claim to believe in a political or religious doctrine, but if you can act out of accordance with it without feeling guilty, then you don’t really believe in it. These are both examples of ‘actions speak louder than words’.

Guilt tells us that we’ve broken our own internal code of honor. That’s fine sometimes. Most of us don’t know what our code of honor is, and one of the easiest ways to find out is to examine what makes us feel guilt in the first place. If you are doing something you believe is right and yet you feel guilty, ask yourself ‘Why? What is it about my choice or action that is wrong? What value have I undermined?’

Once you’ve recognized guilt and started probing yourself for the source, the emotion has served its purpose. At that point, it is time to let it go. You can’t undo the past (life is a one-way journey), but you can learn from your experiences and prevent making the same mistake twice. Continuing to feel guilt is wasting time and energy.

That doesn’t mean you should never feel guilty. It just means that once you do, figure out the cause, then choose to let go of the emotion.

After you figure out the cause, then you have some hard choices to make. Do you choose to change your behavior? This can be tough, habits formed over years take some work to override. Maybe you’d like to change your values system? That, too, is difficult. Both, however, are possible.

The only irrational choice is to continue to operate with the same values and beliefs and the same habits and behaviors. At that point, you are choosing to continue to act from a lack of integrity to yourself.

It’s OK to feel guilt. It’s not OK to dwell on it. Learn from it, always. Then let it go. It doesn’t serve any purpose to hold on to it past the initial recognition.