Last week, I wrote about choosing happiness. At the end of the essay, I mentioned the sentiment of some that choosing happiness keeps you from achieving long-term success. I want to expand on that thought this week.

The argument goes something like this: it takes drive and motivation to make change in your life, so if you are happy with things the way they are, you don’t have the motivation necessary to change things. To achieve more, you have to be dissatisfied with some things… therefore being happy is incompatible with being successful.

On the surface, there is one glaring issue with this argument: you only have to be dissatisfied with one little thing in your life to make a change in that thing… you can be happy about everything else.

There’s also a deeper problem with the argument: there is a difference between being happy and being comfortable. The argument is really about being comfortable.

What’s the difference?

I am happy that I have food on the table. I am happy that I receive the nourishment I need to survive. I am uncomfortable with how much time I have to spend preparing food, even though I’m happy to prepare food. In my ideal world, I wouldn’t have to cook unless I felt like it, but whenever I do cook, I enjoy the process, even when I would rather be doing something else.I am happy to cook every day if I need to, and I would rather not need to. See the difference?

How about another example: I am happy to spend the money to go out to the movies sometimes. I think movie tickets cost too much compared to my income (especially when I factor in popcorn and drinks). I am uncomfortable with how much a movie costs, but when I make the decision to spend money on an evening at the theater, I am happy do so. I don’t let the cost bother me when I make the choice to do it even though I wish movies cost less (or I made more - same difference).

I strive to be happy in everything I do. Most of the time, it’s easy: I have fun naturally in most things I do. I find things to be happy about if they aren’t obvious. Happiness is a choice.

And, at the same time, I look for ways to improve my life that would have value to me. I seek ways to spend less (time or money) on the things I have to do so that I have more for the things I want to do.

I choose to be happy, and I always seek enhancements. But when I can’t find the enhancements, I am still happy.

‘Ah,’ you say, ’so it’s a trick of words: you really mean you are as happy as you can be but you want to be happier.’

No. I am completely happy, and I’ll be completely happy if I make a change for the better. Not happier, just happy in a different way.

If I were to lose everything, I would still be happy. I would work hard to get much or all of it back, because I like the things I have. But I don’t need anything to be happy. I don’t want anything to be happy. I am just happy.

That’s the difference.

In the news

• I think the people most likely to be at risk would also be the hardest to find for testing: Universal test ‘would slash Aids’
• Be careful who you work for: Bad bosses may damage your heart
• The thought police strike again… really, would you be offended? Stop using ‘dearie’, nurses told

Quote for the week

Happiness arises in a state of peace, not of tumult. - Ann Radcliffe

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff

One of the most difficult lessons I ever learned, and one that I have to keep reminding myself of from time to time, is that happiness comes from within.

I realized just the other day as I was thinking through everything I needed to get done on a very big project that I had forgotten to be happy. I was feeling a lot of stress: time pressure, financial pressure, social pressure, and even self-imposed pressure to perform, and I simply forgot about my happiness. And you know what? I became unhappy.

It’s really not hard to be happy. In The Power of Attitude, I pointed out that every emotion you have is a choice. This includes happiness.

But if it’s so easy, how come more people aren’t happy more of the time? I believe the main reason is that most people don’t understand their personal role in their happiness. Most people think that happiness comes from without.

Every day you hear things like “I’d be happy if…” or “When X happens, everything will be OK again…”. People honestly think that their happiness is tied to some factor or set of factors outside of their own body. But it isn’t.

Happiness is a choice.

I bet if you wanted to, you could get mad in an instant. Try this: think about the last thing your boss (child, spouse, pet, neighbor, …) did that really pissed you off. Put yourself back in that situation, and get fired up! See how quickly you can get angry?

Happiness is exactly the same. It’s just that we don’t practice it as much. For some reason, we have been culturally trained to believe that happiness just happens, that it is outside of our control.

We get a lot of practice being angry. We practice being stressed. We practice complaining about what’s wrong at the moment, and in doing so, we bring all our focus on to the negatives in life.

With one little change, though, you can be happy. Just change your focus. Instead of complaining about what’s wrong, celebrate what’s right. Instead of going over your mistake one more time, congratulate yourself for something you did right. Instead of feeling longing for what you don’t have, feel gratitude for what you do.

I’ve heard some people suggest that choosing to be happy is incompatible with success. I think this is absolute baloney. I’ll discuss that in more depth next week.

For now, just remember to be happy. Look at the silver lining, and be grateful for it. Your whole life will improve as a result.

In the news

• That damn rock ‘n’ Roll will be the death of us all! MP3 Player Headphones May Throw Off Cardiac Devices
• Yes, getting dinner ready for Rover is still food preparation: Pet food sickened at least 79 people, CDC says
• Sounds like they’re working on a hot-rod, not conducting biological research: Souped-up immune cells catch disguised HIV

Quote for the week

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. - Marcel Pagnol

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff

How often have you found yourself looking at a pile of paperwork and thinking, ‘I really need to take care of that.’? Or maybe you’ve been putting off a task or project because you’re waiting for just the right time. We all procrastinate occasionally, and some of us are very proficient procrastinators. But I have found, from experience, that procrastination rarely if ever pays off.

Why do we put things off? We always have rational-sounding reasons: perhaps the weather isn’t quite right for mowing the lawn, or I need information from someone else before I can proceed with this paperwork. On the surface, these reasons sound downright responsible. But humans are rationalization beings; that is, we are unique in that, of all species on earth, we are the only ones with minds designed to rationalize. It makes sense, then, that we can rationalize anything we want, with a little practice.

And, in fact, we do. We do it so well that we don’t realize we are doing it. Every action, however strange to an observer, seems completely reasonable to the person doing it. Every decision, every choice, every expression can be explained once we put our minds to it. Including not doing the things we want or need to do to achieve our goals.

And so we procrastinate, and we do it by explaining to ourselves and others just exactly why it isn’t procrastinating. But it is. And if you can’t honestly see this going on in at least yourself, then you have some work to do being honest with yourself.

With twenty or thirty or more years of convincing ourselves that our reasons for not getting things done make sense, however, we’ve developed some deeply-ingrained habits of putting things off. And that takes some work to overcome.

So here are some suggestions to get out of the laziness habits and get to work on important things:

• Pick just one simple thing that you can finish quickly and do it: Getting anything done, no matter how trivial, is a step in the right direction. It helps exercise the habit.
• Cross off anything that doesn’t move you closer to your long-term goals: If it isn’t specifically applicable to your long-term plan, ask yourself if it matters. If not, cross it off. In this way, you can eliminate a lot of the fluff that keeps you from doing the things that really matter.
• Block out time in your calendar for your to-do list: Maybe there are a few things that you know will take a while but that you really need to ensure get done. Mark time in your calendar to work on them. Give yourself more time than you think you need. Once the time comes, do them no matter what until you are out of time or they are complete. It might even make sense to have 30 minutes every morning devoted to your task list, time that you aren’t doing anything but attending to the items that have piled up since yesterday.
• Celebrate each completion: Every time you finish something on your list, celebrate! It may not seem like a big deal to clean the litter-box, but celebrate it anyway. Make sure you get a good feeling inside when you complete an important task, and it will be easier to start the next one. After a few celebrations, you’ll look forward to getting things done.

There is no time like now to get busy with the things you need to do. Pick something and get started. Better yet, get it done.

In the news

• Purple tomatoes?: Purple Tomato Extended Lives of Cancer-Prone Mice
• Why couldn’t it be chocolate-enriched? Cherry-Enriched Diet Cut Heart Risks in Rats
• This makes it easier to get them to eat all those tomatoes and cherries: High Fructose Diet Inhibits Appetite Hormone

Quote for the week

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today. - James Dean

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff

I have a pet peeve. Actually, I have several, but there is one in particular that I’m going to share with you today. I really don’t like it when someone makes a what sounds like a request but expects a certain response. And people do this in many ways, and at many times throughout the day.

The most common type of loaded request is the question from the boss: ‘Could you have this on my desk by tomorrow afternoon?’. We all know he isn’t asking us, he expects the report to be delivered. That expectation is what makes it a demand and not a request.

And this is why it bothers me when people expect a certain reply, response, or result. They have not made a request, they have made a demand. When you demand something of me, you ruffle my feathers.

Certain kinds of expectation are, well, expected. I’m expected to be at work at a certain time. I’m expected to pay my bills. There are demands on me from the world I live in and as a result of the choices I make, and I fully accept those. I have obligations that I live up to.

But it’s completely different when someone makes a demand of me outside of those obligations. If I have an agreement with you, then sure, you are right to expect me to live up to my end of the agreement. But if we don’t have an agreement, then demands are inappropriate.

If you expect a particular result, then you are making a demand. It’s that simple. Make sure you communicate this clearly. Be respectful, be polite, but also be sure they understand what you are expecting. Make a statement. If you are not expecting a particular outcome, then just be aware of the words you are using. Ask a question. Check-in with yourself before you ask and make sure you can accept any answer equally well. If you can, then you truly have no expectation.

How do you avoid accidentally (or intentionally) making demands of others? It all comes from your frame of mind when you communicate your desire with them. Do you expect a certain response?

The easiest way is to look at your approach in reverse. Did you convey your request in the form of a question? Did you mean it as a question? If you asked the other person, and it was a genuinely open question where you can accept any answer, then you can honestly say you haven’t made a demand.

What do you expect? Can you let go of those expectations a little? Can you let replies from others be what they are and be fine with them?

What do you expect of yourself? Can you relax those expectations as well?

In the news

• And I thought breaking up by email was rude: Sex Partners Get STD Alerts by E-mail
• You probably shouldn’t do this via email: Telling your honey, ‘it’s time for a diet’
• This assumes they’re not getting STD notifications: More men than women find happiness online

Quote for the week

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. - Benjamin Disraeli

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff

Doesn’t it feel good to have your accomplishments rewarded? Isn’t it great to win an award or receive recognition for a job well-done? Even if you’re shy, isn’t it nice to sometimes get the round of applause?

Ceremonies are a tool we use recognize that someone has done (or is doing) something great. Whether you are given a certificate at the office over coffee and donuts or you are knighted by the Queen of England, the goal is the same: recognition.

We all need a certain amount of attention, it’s human nature. The more we receive, the more confident and powerful we feel. Whether the attention comes from good sources or bad ones, the effect is still a giant boost. So we want to shower attention on those who are important to us. And we want to shower attention on ourselves.

A ceremony is simply a formal way of recognizing or rewarding others. It doesn’t have to follow a specific protocol, but there are a few key pieces that must be present if you want the full effect:

• the reward must actually have value in the eyes of the recipient
• the ceremony must be visible to a reasonably large audience

The first requirement, value, is often misunderstood. I’m not talking about giving someone a trip to Tahiti because they presented their report with class. What I mean is it must be a reward at a deep level to the person. If a person likes the limelight, a handshake from the boss, a round of applause in front of everyone, and a certificate to put on the wall will have great value. If they prefer to keep a low profile, however, a functional gift such as a picture frame might be more appreciated. Make it personal and you key in on the most valued asset a person has: self.

The second requirement, visibility, isn’t about the person receiving the recognition, at least not directly. Here the point is to demonstrate to as many as possible the kinds of efforts that are rewarded. If no one knows what gets rewarded, no one knows how to behave or what to achieve. Make sure everyone is aware.

Whether someone is paraded in front of a crowd or simply given a personal gift, they become stronger when they are ceremoniously recognized. Be open to it when it comes your way. And dish it out to others as much as possible. Give your kids or your friends (or both!) a cheer now and then!

In the news

• It might not be the best option: Survey shows contraception myths
• … and it may cause you to pick a dud: Pill use ‘affects partner choice’
• … but at least you’ll live longer: Pill ‘has stopped 100,000 deaths’

Quote for the week

Every ceremony or rite has a value if it is performed without alteration. A ceremony is a book in which a great deal is written. Anyone who understands can read it. One rite often contains more than a hundred books. - G. I. Gurdjieff

Healthy thoughts,
Jeff